i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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