I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
