fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
