can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
