One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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