it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
