I skipped work to stalk him.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
