I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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