I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
