you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
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I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
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I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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