I need to stop coming to work sober
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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