every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
