I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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