OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.