i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
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His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
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I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.