You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him