seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
