WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
