they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
