when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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