I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
