I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
