I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
