so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
