i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
