He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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