I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
