I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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