I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
