My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
