i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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