he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
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he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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