I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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