we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She's the barista slut.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
