when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
