Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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