So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
