I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
