If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
