I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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