I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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