Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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