why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
