btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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