at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
