oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Bring me that man meat
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
