my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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