you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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