Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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