I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We just shotgunned beers for America
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
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