I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
im six kinds of drunk right now
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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