i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
