I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
