you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
