You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
