I cannot find my penis.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
