i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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