i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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